I was still using heroin when I first attended the treatment agency. There were about fifteen people in my first group session, one of whom was an ex-heroin user who had been clean for about 16 years. She came over to talk to me and I was in awe. She had done exactly what I was doing and she had gotten through it. From that moment on, I didn’t feel so alone. It was a Light Bulb Moment. For the first time, I was with a group of people who understood me and my addiction, and I understood and related to them and with what they were saying.
You have to realise my state of thinking prior to that first group meeting in the treatment agency. Once I had become addicted to heroin, I did not see that there was any alternative to the life I was living. I didn’t know anyone who had overcome heroin addiction. I had never heard of anyone who had done so. I could find no information on the internet on how to give up using the drug. That was it! I just had to carry on doing what I was doing.
The agency suggested that I attend NA meetings. I went and sat there listening to other people’s stories and I couldn’t believe that people were saying they were now clean. I thought, ‘Oh yeah, they’re just saying that. They’re bound to have a smoke.’
As time passed, being at the agency and attending NA meetings felt fantastic. They were the right places for me. I actually felt like I belonged. It was really nice having something in common with other people. I also started to understand my addiction, and came to realise that my behaviour was part of my illness.
The agency suggested that I go for a detox at a local psychiatric hospital. I was absolutely horrified at the thought and was thinking, ‘There’s no way I’m going for a detox. That’s for down-and-outs, not for me. No way!’ Even my family didn’t think that I needed a detox. However, the more that I thought about it, the more I realised I needed to attend the detox programme.
I began to wean myself off heroin whilst waiting to attend the Primary Treatment programme. My Dad measured out a certain amount for me each day and that progressively reduced in size. I had tried to do this before, but it hadn’t worked. However, this time was different, as I really wanted to do it.
Over about two months, I reduced my daily use by more than 90%. However, I was self-medicating with the opiate substitute physeptone, which I was buying off the ‘street’. Given my knowledge today, I would not recommend anyone self-medicating in this way, but it worked for me at the time.
When I was cutting down, I had real problems sleeping. That lasted for about two months. Sometimes, I was awake for most of the night. I was also feeling very shaky inside. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. It was like being back in the world after being locked up for a couple of years.
Once I had stopped using heroin, I became aware of the simplest things, like the taste of food, birds singing and spring time. It was really strange. The mental withdrawal from heroin was much worse than the physical withdrawals. Mentally, I was so wired up. I felt as if I wanted to rip up something.
I started to keep a journal, which I’ve still got. Every time that I felt that I was going out of my mind, I would write in my journal or make sure that I did something to keep myself occupied. My family was really supportive, and when I felt like I couldn’t cope they would take me somewhere—to the beach, anywhere. I didn’t necessarily want to go, but it did help me.
One of the hardest things to deal with was the mental frustration. I had so many things going around my head and I was really scared. I had tried to change so many times before and I was battling with thoughts that I was going to mess up again. I had all these feelings rushing around my head, but I didn’t realise what they were because I had suppressed them for so long with heroin.
I can remember not being able to distinguish between feelings of hurt and anger. My counsellor really helped me to re-learn what different feelings stood for, which really helped. The hardest thing was having to face up to my past problems and the reasons why I had been taking drugs. I didn’t want to face up to the bad things that had happened and that I’d done. It was so difficult trying to sort all of that out raw, without using drugs to cope.
At the beginning, my drug-using friends kept phoning me. This was really hard because I still wanted to be with them, but at the same time I didn’t. I was jealous that they were still using and I was just stuck in my house. John [my ex-partner] was particularly persistent and in the end I had to take an injunction out against him. My counsellor really helped with this matter, and gave me good advice, like not to get involved, burn any letters he sends, etc. I had to keep myself safe.
One of my main memories of this time was when I was trying to re-establish a ‘normal’ life. I was so used to gouching out every night in my clothes that I had forgotten the process of going to bed.
One night, I thought, “Well, what do you do? You must put your nightie on.” It’d been so long since I’d done it. And so I put my nightie on and got into bed and asked myself, ‘Well what do you do now?’
‘Right, people set their alarms, don’t they?’ I responded. So I did that and the feeling was so strange, as I hadn’t done it for years. I thought, ‘This is what normal people do.’ Mind you, it was about two o’clock in the morning, not exactly a normal time to go to bed. However, I certainly thought that it was quite normal!
Although it was strange getting used to a new day-to-day routine, it became quite easy after a while. I started taking my son to school and getting pleasure out of doing little things. I found it really important to stick to a routine and this really helped me.