I started to realise that my low self-esteem had always badly affected me. Over the next couple of months at Penrhyn House, I was doing service, being responsible and productive, and helping others. I started to actually like myself. ‘Lee, you’re not so bad. You’re actually okay.’ I found that the more I helped others, the more I got in return. I was becoming resilient in dealing with my emotions, ‘building up a reservoir of resilience’ is an expression I’ve heard. I was getting used to the ups and downs that occur in everyone’s life, something I’d never been able to do. ‘Living life on life’s terms,’ James Deakin often says.
I think that helping other people was actually helping me to heal. I was sitting in groups almost every day and hearing people’s stories. I came to realise that I am a bit of an empath. I feel people’s emotions and their pain, and can even pretty much sense things about a person as they enter a room. It brings me so much joy to be able to help other people. I don’t want people to feel like I once did, so I do what I can to help them. They may be small things, like checking in on someone during the day, just to see how they are travelling. If they want to talk, I’m always happy to listen.
It is particularly important to be there for people when they first arrive at Penrhyn House. I remember how I felt when I first walked through the front door. It’s just simple stuff like offering new arrivals a tea or coffee, a few kind words, and telling them that they are in the right place. I’ll normally relate a little bit of my story, and tell them, ‘I got well here and you can do it too.’ Later, I might invite them to have some food that I had cooked, or join a few of us in some activity. The new resident may tell a bit of their story when they are with us, and we will share relevant parts of ours.
It’s all about giving new arrivals a sense of connection at the earliest opportunity. I’ve seen people connect and stay, and others who couldn’t make that connection and leave, and then relapse. Little gestures can make a huge difference. An invite to come out with a few of us, so that they feel they belong. They’ve probably spent a large part of their life being isolated and disconnected. I believe that addiction is a disease, and it’s always in our heads trying to convince us that we don’t belong. And if we don’t belong, we become isolated in the world, and then we go back on the drugs.
I believe that connection and belonging are key to recovery, over and above anything else. I’m a member of the 12-Step Fellowship, and that is my recovery route. But I don’t criticise other recovery routes. I regularly attend NA meetings, and very occasionally do an AA or CA meeting. I believe that as humans we all need to find our tribe, because we’re all a bit tribal. NA is my tribe. The people I meet in NA are my type of people. I feel a connection with them, as they are like me and have had similar experiences. We don’t pretend and we don’t believe we’re better than anyone else. We try to do the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt.
It’s not just what happens during an NA meeting that is important. There, our primary purpose is to carry the message to the addict who is still suffering. In simple terms, any addict can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live and have fun. It’s a message of hope and the promise of freedom. But a lot of important things go on before, at the end, and in-between meetings. We laugh a lot about ourselves and know we are ridiculous at times. We can talk about how our day has been going, and then end up rolling about in laughter. And that’s carrying an important message in itself.
I once thought that if I stopped using drugs, I would just be miserable for the rest of my life. But I started to see people in recovery who didn’t take themselves too seriously and laughed a lot about themselves. They may have still been suffering in one way or other, but they knew there were laughs to be had. Many of the laughs I have today are about miserable personal experiences in addiction. We are turning awful, long-lasting memories into precious moments where four of five or us roll about on the floor laughing. Converting misery into joy. That’s like gold to me. I believe that taking yourself too seriously can bring you down, so it’s important to be able to laugh about yourself.